More snakes raise the stakes
LogLine: A nerdy PhD student, meets a strong, independent woman, then he must collect a rare viper in the Amazon, there they encounter drug-smuggling guerrillas, a tribe of cannibals, and a deranged army officer.
Reviewer #1: "...with a bit more elbow grease this script could really be a gem."
"This script starts out right in the middle of a suspenseful, action packed scene pulling the audience in. Fredrico has a clear goal and a distinctive voice. The plot has a tight deadline that springboards the script intro action. The descriptions and character introductions bring a lot to the table in this script. ... there’s some great work that stands out in this piece of writing."
"The descriptions in this script are extremely vivid and intricately detailed. Right from page one the descriptions shine with, “They quickly roll as both rattlers LUNGE airborne. The rattlers barely miss each other. Fredrico quickly and gently clamp the larger rattler behind its head. The Prof misses his mark. The snake coils up and rattles. Fredrico deposits his snake in the cloth bag. Sees his Prof is vulnerable. Fredrico steps towards the coiled snake. It strikes but he is just out of range. It re-coils and rattles. He reaches and clamps the smaller rattler. Strides over and releases it”. Not only is this extremely suspenseful, but the detailing here brings it to life."
"The character introductions are also especially strong such as on page two with the introduction of the protagonist, “FREDRICO GARCIA-LORCA (30s) Is the Graduate Researcher. Introverted and polite; more comfortable with reptiles than with people. A mama’s boy. Never knew his father. Comfortable in the DOLDRUMS of his 10th year of grinding on his PhD”. This is a thorough amount of information succinctly provided that gives the audience a real grasp for Fredrico’s character."
"There’s a strong goal here for Fredrico that’s extremely character driven. He has one month to finish his dissertation in order to get his P.H.D. <sic> or else the past ten years of his work have been all for naught. The supporting characters do feel like they could be developed a pinch more. There’s some strong work here notably in the protagonist, but the supporting characters could still be further developed."
Reviewer #2: "a really compelling, fun, character driven action drama"
"With a few tweaks and polishes here and there, this is a really compelling, fun, character driven action drama that brings the vibes of a New Hollywood film without the usual attendant problematic baggage, and I feel like you're really only a draft or two away from having something really solid here you can start pitching. You hit on a lot of right things, and something in particular that I like is that you've done a period script that actually utilizes the period rather than arbitrarily set it in 19XX because that particular decade is cool or has interesting aesthetics; I've read a lot of "period" scripts in my time where I could patently tell the author just thought the cars and clothes would look good on camera and didn't take any sort of advantage, practically or thematically, of the actual era, and just tacked a few extra zeros onto their budget for appearances' sake. You've utilized it nicely here, though, and the end result is a really great, compelling piece of writing that serves as a cool blend of Nixon-era dramatics with 1930s, Indiana Jones-style adventure serial ambiance. Again, I have a few pieces of feedback but you're very close to being able to start shopping this around."
" Your characters are well formed and well written, and I particularly like the dynamic that emerges between Fredrico and Sasha, which is very cute and organic and never felt forced on the audience. They have a natural, compelling, natural rapport and I feel like audiences would really fall in love with them. ..."
"Your plotline is very cool, and recalls some of the best creature feature/cannibal scare movies of the 1970s, while not veering too hard into grindhouse territory and sticking nicely to character-driven action-drama ambiance. I like that you dance on this razor's edge of taking it into a darker terrain and paying homage to some of the Ford/Carter era's exploitation classics while not deigning to their darker impulses, while also simultaneously paying homage to New Hollywood narrative conventions and ethos, while ALSO keeping this very fresh, relevant, and contemporary. I can find precious little to criticize in terms of pacing or plotting and I felt that you moved the narrative along at a nice clip while also keeping things feeling exciting, fresh, and propulsive. Perhaps my one point of criticism is that the skydiving subplot in the first act feels very sensationalistic, and adds a layer of incredulity to the proceedings that take away from some of the groundedness of the script. ..."
Reviewer #3: Evaulation of my Pitch for this script (Earlier Version).
"Pitch was clear, title was mentioned, genre was not. This pitch was completely read through..but the STORY was there. The Story idea, characters, the premise all shone. So, first thing, please for the sake of your Amazing talent, learn to pitch by storytelling into the camera. This was such an exciting story idea and premise and yet was read with the verve of a grocery list. I really REALLY loved your premise, characters and Story idea. I wish I knew which genre it was because that makes it a bit easier than guessing. The story reminded me of a slightly more Gritty Romancing the Stone. Wow, it was jam packed of ideas that could be hilarious. I wish I knew if it was a Comedy /Romance or Thriller, I'm leading towards a comedy romance. This was one of the BEST Story pitches I've ever heard. I think this could be an awesome movie. GREAT JOB, now for the future. Concentrate on pitching to a camera, and let the gravy and joy of the story show through. Man, this was the best. I'd pay good money AFTER I walked through a snowstorm to watch this."
Reviewer #4: "An action pack adventure-thriller"
"Transition Zone is an action pack adventure-thriller that follows a Ph.D. Herpetologist and an Anthropologist as they trek through the Amazon jungle for research, before they know it they are sucked into a U.S. Army sting operation against FARQ and shamanic practices. There is definitely a lot going on in this film and the author has made a huge commitment by creating an ensemble cast. Tackling an ensemble cast is definitely a big challenge. Well done! I appreciate how the author integrated elements of the setting, history, and local culture to ratchet up the stakes and dramatic tension in this film. I feel as if I have seen this film before, or something very similar to it, which is kind of a good thing. This film kind of feels like a classic adventure film like Indiana Jones but with a bit of a cultural twist. Also, the setup of having University students going out on a big adventure feels like it has been done before. That can work to the author's advantage as producers and investors will be able to see the life cycle of the film all the way through distribution. Having that said, it also doesn't feel too similar that it feels like a carbon copy. I really enjoyed how the author presented Frederico as a-not-so ladies man with the dropping books gag and then the horny toad joke. It felt very true to his character."
Reviewer #5: "The Transition Zone presents a unique premise..."
"... and a wide-ranging world to be explored by two magnetic leads. ... With some adjustments, it could be a sharp and charming romantic thriller."